my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
