You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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