I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
