I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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