Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
