you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize