Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i will never coherently bang her
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
