can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
