Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Randomize
