Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
