I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
