The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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