Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.