guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
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