Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
