Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
