In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
