Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
