Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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