Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
