I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
