I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
