He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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