i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
We got so high we made milksteak
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
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dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
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Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.