so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.