So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom