when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.