mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
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Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
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I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.