i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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