one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
