Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
