i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize