Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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