apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
home. puking in laundry basket.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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