I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
