You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
