Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my being single is dangerous.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
