Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
