I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
