her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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