My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
