i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
