all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
