sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
