when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
