You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
