I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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