Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
