he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
