if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
