Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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