I cut my penus on the lid.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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