I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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