you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
