the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Randomize
