It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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