If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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