Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
