Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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