just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
