my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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