Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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