Already got asked if we're dating
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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