so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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