I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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