I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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