My friends, they love my intelligence
I bet he comes in French.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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